别说老外不懂关系，看老外教你如何做关系（又看了一段不错的，更新）

purpleapple

最近在看一本关于沟通的书，其中提到如何建立人际关系。国内吃吃喝喝的那套在NZ不是很行得通，来看看老外说如何做关系吧：

1. Take a genuine interest in getting to know what's important to other people. Start to understand them instead of expecting them to understand you first.
2. Pick up on the key words, favourate phrases, and manner of speaking that an individual uses and build these aspects subtly into your own conversation.
3. Notice how a person like to handle information: lots of details or just the big picture? As you speak, feed back information in this same portion size.
4. Check how a person uses the representation systems with visual, auditory, and kinaesthetic language, and use similar words during your conversations.
5. Breath in unison with the person. You can do this discreetly by watching their neck and chest to see when they inhale and exhale, and then matching your breathing to the other person.
6. Look out for someone's overall intension - the person's underlying aim - as apposed to the exact thing done or said. People may not always get it right, but work on the assumption that people's heart lie in the right place.
7. Adopt a similar stance to another person in terms of your body language, gestures, voice tone, and speed of talking.
8. Respect people's time, energy, friends and favourate associates, and money. These items are important resources for you.

又读了一段觉得挺不错的，虽然不少人都明白，但是能够身体力行去做的并不多，发出来与大家共勉。

Exploring perceptual positions

One of the ways that NLP helps you to build rapport with others is by distinguishing at least three different points of vie. NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) calls these perceptual positions. This approach is rather like looking at a building from all angles - coming in at the front entrance, moving around to the back door, and then looking down with a bird's eye view from a helicopter overhead:

The first position is your own natual perspective. Where you're fully aware of what you think and feel regardless of those around you. This position can be one of strength - when you're really clear abou what you want and your own beliefs and values - but also one of incredible selfishness, until you consiously become aware of what other people want.

The second position is about shifing into someone else's shoes - imagining what a situation looks like for them.You may already be really good at always considering the needs of others: for example, mothers rapidly develop this skill in caring for new offspring. You put someone else's view first.

The third position involves taking an independent view, where you act as a detached observer noticing what's happening in the relationship. At its best, this position is one of maturity from where you appreciate a situation from both sides. Sometimes, however, it can mean that you're reluctant to engage fully in a situation - you merely sit on the fence.

Mastering all three perspectives puts you in a wise place that allows you to enjoy life more fully. Get into the habit of mentally shifting your thinking into the sececond and third positions when you're in conversation.

关于乐观者和悲观者

Confidence and self-doubt are two sides of a coin. When you feel confident about doing something, the chances are that you're usually successful because you expect a positive result. Even on the odd occasion when things don't work out quite as you'd wanted,you move on. If you'e riddled wit self doubt, however, and convinced something isn't going to work out or no one's going to talk to you when you go to an event, a very high chance exists that your experience goes on to reflect your beliefs. Do you experience a slight disappointment when someone or a situation fails to meet your worst expectations? And do you feel a little triumphant when you're duly disappointed? Sometims, having your negative generalisation confirmed is more satisfying than a situation going better than expected. How self-defeating is that.

我的星期天

看过这种类似的书 看完就忘记了 真要身体力行需要一定的基础

purpleapple

我的星期天 发表于 2012-6-27 15:41
看过这种类似的书 看完就忘记了 真要身体力行需要一定的基础

恩，所谓身体力行就是你真的需要，你遇到问题了，那么看这类的书就会起到醍醐灌顶的作用。否则就象我们为了考试学英文一样，考完了见到老外还是张不了口，但是你出国学为什么就快很多呢？因为你不张口就饿死了，不得不张口的时候，再看见英文书上类似场景就会如获至宝并学以致用。

我的星期天

purpleapple 发表于 2012-6-27 15:52
恩，所谓身体力行就是你真的需要，你遇到问题了，那么看这类的书就会起到醍醐灌顶的作用。否则就象我们为 ...

反正书上说的多实践 最差也能比以前强些 慢慢的就融会贯通啦 失败当中也渐渐前行

purpleapple

我的星期天 发表于 2012-6-27 16:05
反正书上说的多实践 最差也能比以前强些 慢慢的就融会贯通啦 失败当中也渐渐前行

呵呵，我最近在搞巧克力和饼干外交，办公室里时常放着点这些东西，下午快下班的时候就拿出来，还是有帮助的。但是要跟老外们统一语速，用同样的词汇和肢体语言，呼吸同步这些就还比较难了。不过全球通用的是聆听别人，关注别人关注的，现在觉得老外每天问how are you也不全是虚伪，有时候对方也真会跟你说些好的坏的。

我的星期天

purpleapple 发表于 2012-6-27 16:09
呵呵，我最近在搞巧克力和饼干外交，办公室里时常放着点这些东西，下午快下班的时候就拿出来，还是有帮助 ...

多看看这些self-development的书有时候挺有意思的 我记得有个小册子系列叫什么don't sweat the small stuff 挺好的 短小精悍

水神

5. Breath in unison with the person. You can do this discreetly by watching their neck and chest to see when they inhale and exhale, and then matching your breathing to the other person.

dont understand this one

水神

3. Notice how a person like to handle information: lots of details or just the big picture? As you speak, feed back information in this same portion size. / `

well this is absolutely right, can save you a lot of time and 'wtf'

purpleapple

水神 发表于 2012-6-27 16:25
5. Breath in unison with the person. You can do this discreetly by watching their neck and chest to  ...

就是同呼吸的意思，调整节奏同步。。

cm31

八错，果断收藏

Eyeport

水神 发表于 2012-6-27 16:25
5. Breath in unison with the person. You can do this discreetly by watching their neck and chest to  ...

me 2.....dont get it...why....

…卋ルヘ

communication是一门学问。。。很多老外都很厉害的

肉肉妈

我在上班族这版里看过的TOP10好帖之一
再次验证了好帖不必长的说法哈哈

第1,3,4,8点尤其赞,其实这里的精华就在于要用心去体会环境和人.
第5点确实没看懂,楼主也不要太过于修炼了.任何东西往往修炼深了的都不是最厉害的.

purpleapple

肉肉妈 发表于 2012-6-27 22:57
我在上班族这版里看过的TOP10好帖之一
再次验证了好帖不必长的说法哈哈

人家列出来8点，咱能把握住4点就相当不错了，第五点要和别人共呼吸这个多数人都做不到吧，要是个哮喘病人还得跟你一样？不过作者不是隐喻而是当真认为和对方呼吸频率一致能够引起共鸣，书后有进一步的解释，说如果能够调整和对方的呼吸节奏一致，会发现破冰极其容易，可以去街上找路人验证云云。

不过自己认同哪些去做哪些是最有效的 ，否则难免会出邯郸学步的笑话了。

super.xi

书名？？？

miaomeow

国内的关系不用这么麻烦，直接给现金那就叫关系

keepower

Mark一下先.

aussborn

纸上谈兵而已///////////////////